Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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