He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
