Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
