If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
