Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
