i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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