Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
