Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I came so hard my ears popped.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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