I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can't special order awesome
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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