so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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