Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
there is glitter all over my balls
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
