I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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