smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
