He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
