I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
