I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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