I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
