I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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