she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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