Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
