My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
