it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
try to milk me bitch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
