i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
