dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
