i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
