If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
