tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
