I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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