I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
