My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
