Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
