I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
