dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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