so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
