his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
