omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
