Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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