he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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