Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
