I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
