I wish I could teleport
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
