Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
