just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
