sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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