it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
