Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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