the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
