1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
