i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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