god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
