how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
